Well that’s Not going to happen to ME

When I got pregnant and started reading all the stuff that might happen, (hemorrhoids, constipation, heartburn, crazy crying)  my initial reaction was nope, not going to happen to me. Guess what? It did.

1) Let’s just start with the TMI butt stuff, because it was the first thing to manifest. I normally have NO problem in that arena. I have my coffee in the morning, take care of business and go on my merry way. The doc said 2 caffeinated beverages were fine a day, and even though I switched to 1/2 caff, my morning routine continued without a hitch. Well, that is, until razor blades started coming out the other end around week 15. There was some squealing and a lot of blood every morning for a while. And this was with NO constipation or straining. I honestly don’t know if it was hemorrhoids or fissures or what, because I did not do a butt inspection, but whatever it was, it hurt like hell. I finally managed to get it until control with Earth Mama Angel Baby Mama Bottom Balm.

2) I’ve only had 2 bouts with constipation and both times I felt like I was trying to give birth to a poo. The gas pains shooting through me were so bad they felt like labor pains and worried the hell out me. It took hours of running to the toilet only to produce one tiny milk dud after another. I actually prefer the butt razor blades because at least that’s over quickly.

3) I have never had heartburn so I had no idea what was wrong with me when at just over 23 weeks  I woke up at midnight with my chest burning. I threw up what felt like battery acid over and over again. My husband was ready to take me to the ER because I was “scream-puking.” Usually if I feel better if I throw up when I’m sick, but this made no difference. A quick google search revealed the cause to be heartburn, showing up right on track in the pregnancy timeline. So at 3AM, my wonderful husband went out to get me Tums. After that, I was able to sleep. The doc recommended taking Zantac and I’ve been able to avoid another bad attack since.

4) You’re gonna toot in public, just accept it and move on. Make sure your partner does the same. The moving on part, not the tooting.

5) I have always cried kind of easily at sad or happy things, but that’s cranked up to 11 now. I thought I was going to avoid the crazy pregnant lady thing, but it came out in full force the other day when I was worried about taking a trip in the rain and got mad that my husband didn’t seem to be taking me seriously when I asked him to drive a little slower than usual. This escalated into some kind of sobbing “you aren’t taking my concerns for safety seriously” one sided argument with a very baffled looking husband.

I’m just over 24 weeks now and I’m sure I have plenty more wonderful pregnancy maladies waiting for me. Things I have yet to experience: bleeding gums, swollen hands and feet, stretch marks and an outtie.

But that’s not going to happen to ME. Nope, not a chance…. 😉


12 thoughts on “Well that’s Not going to happen to ME

  1. This is hilarious! I’m coming up on week 18 this week so I’m nervous as to what my body might throw at me this time! Lol. Um, the tooting in public totally happens to me! SO embarrassing!!! Please keep us posted with anything else! Haha.

    • It was like once I started in that downhill spiral of irrationality I couldn’t stop myself! I was even thinking while I was crying “I feel ridiculous!” and of course that made me cry too, lol.

  2. NUMBER 4!!!!! What in the world?!?!? It’s so embarrassing and I know people hear me. I hate to say “excuse me” though because I don’t want to admit that those terrible sounds actually came from me and I didn’t even try to prevent it…. ya know, because I didn’t know it was going to happen!!

    I have been on pepcid or zantac since forever. I really don’t know how people live without it.

    And the constipation… didn’t have much of that the first time around but with this baby? Oh yes! All the time!

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