Translation of a terrible eBay customer’s e-mail

If you use eBay long enough, you will have THAT costumer. The one that makes you want to reach through the computer and smack them. And because I can’t, this morning I’m going to translate an e-mail I got from a terrible customer, just to make myself feel better. This not what they wrote, but this is what it really means:

I’m very disappointed in the quality and communication for this order. I feel your reply was condescending when you politely explained how to check my own tracking after I e-mailed you three times to ask where my order was. I chose the slowest possible shipping method, but I am pretty sure you have an inside connection with the post office and can make them go faster at will. I am disappointed you made them go so slow.
I am also disappointed that this $65 item I got on clearance sale for $8 has a little bump in the fabric. I expected absolute perfection for $8. Here, I’ve attached 4 photos to show you it looks exactly the same as it does in your photo. I like taking pictures.
I have nothing better to do than be pain in your ass, so I’d like to file a claim and have you pay for my return shipping. Maybe “sticking it to the little business man” will give me some satisfaction in a life that is rife with disappointments. I’d write more, but I have to go to McDonalds and complain they did not put filet mignon in my dollar menu cheeseburger.

* as a side note, I really did not want to deal with them anymore at all, so I took the loss, refunded their money, told them to keep it and blocked them from ever bidding on my stuff again. I actually sent them a message that said “I’m pregnant and I don’t want the stress of dealing with this. I’m canceling the auction and sending a refund. Please do not reply, as I am I done with this.” I am a little extra sensitive right now and reading their e-mail caused an alarming increase in blood pressure, so I figure that was better than stressing out over this person who would not be happy no matter what I did.

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