Well that’s Not going to happen to ME

When I got pregnant and started reading all the stuff that might happen, (hemorrhoids, constipation, heartburn, crazy crying)  my initial reaction was nope, not going to happen to me. Guess what? It did.

1) Let’s just start with the TMI¬†butt stuff, because it was the first thing to manifest. I normally have NO problem in that arena. I have my coffee in the morning, take care of business and go on my merry way. The doc said 2 caffeinated beverages were fine a day, and even though I switched to 1/2 caff, my morning routine continued without a hitch. Well, that is,¬†until razor blades started coming out the other end around week 15. There was some squealing and a lot of blood every morning for a while. And this was with NO constipation or straining. I honestly don’t know if it was hemorrhoids or fissures or what, because I did not do a butt inspection, but whatever it was, it hurt like hell. I finally managed to get it until control with Earth Mama Angel Baby Mama Bottom Balm.

2) I’ve only had 2 bouts with constipation and both times I felt like I was trying to give birth to a poo. The gas pains shooting through me were so bad they felt like labor pains and worried the hell out me. It took hours of running to the toilet only to produce one tiny milk dud after another. I actually prefer the butt razor blades because at least that’s over quickly.

3) I have never had heartburn so I had no idea what was wrong with me when at just over 23 weeks ¬†I woke up at midnight with my chest burning. I threw up what felt like battery acid over and over again. My husband was ready to take me to the ER because I was “scream-puking.” Usually if I feel better if I throw up when I’m sick, but this made no difference. A quick google search revealed the cause to be heartburn, showing up right on track in the pregnancy timeline. So at 3AM, my wonderful husband went out to get me Tums. After that, I was able to sleep. The doc recommended taking Zantac and I’ve been able to avoid another bad attack since.

4) You’re gonna toot in public, just accept it and move on. Make sure your partner does the same. The moving on part, not the tooting.

5) I have always cried kind of easily at sad or happy things, but that’s cranked up to 11 now. I thought I was going to avoid the crazy pregnant lady thing, but it came out in full force the other day when I was worried about taking a trip in the rain and got mad that my husband didn’t seem to be taking¬†me seriously when I asked him to drive a little slower than usual. This escalated into some kind of sobbing “you aren’t taking my concerns for safety seriously” one sided argument with a very baffled looking husband.

I’m just over 24 weeks now and I’m sure I have plenty more wonderful pregnancy maladies waiting for me. Things I have yet to experience: bleeding gums, swollen hands and feet, stretch marks and¬†an outtie.

But that’s not going to happen to ME. Nope, not a chance…. ūüėČ

24 Week Update, Merry Christmas!

24weeksHope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! We are now at 24 weeks! We have reached the magical “viable” milestone where a baby can survive outside the womb. Survive with an uphill battle and a million dollars worth of care, but still, survive. I’ve reached a point where I can feel him wiggling around most of the day. Of course, being the nervous mom I am, if I don’t feel him move for a few hours and he doesn’t respond to a few pokes, I run for the fetal Doppler. That thing is a mind saver. I’d go crazy with worry if I couldn’t ease my mind with a good strong heartbeat. And I discovered Earth Mama Bottom Balm. That stuff is a miracle worker on sore bottoms. I no longer fear the bathroom! I highly recommend it if you are having any kind of sore butt problem. A little swipe of it before and after does the trick.

How far along:  24 weeks

Weight gain: at my last doc visit, they said I had gained 16 lbs. overall so far.

Maternity clothes: I just got a new pair of cords from GAP and love them! I also picked up several pairs of maternity tights from Motherhood Maternity (on sale!) and they totally make a difference in fit. SO comfy! I was having trouble with my regular tights rolling down under my belly.

Stretch marks: Nothing yet, but I keep scrutinizing.

Sleep: some back pain is kicking in here and there and making sleep uncomfortable early in the morning. Also had a few nights it was hard to get to sleep because I’m pretty sure there was a tap recital going on in my belly.

Best moment of this week: S.P. finally got to feel a kick! I am feeling them all the time, but it seems every time he puts his hand on my belly, Keelan calms down. I told him he must just have a soothing touch, lol.

Miss anything: I got a few VIP invites for some fun parties – the kind with open bars and burlesque shows and I gave them away because it just wouldn’t be fun to be in a bar pregnant and not dressed up in one of my Christmas costumes.

Movement: those kicks and pokes are getting stronger! Some of them make me yelp with surprise!

Food cravings: nothing I could call a real craving yet. Still eating strawberry waffles every day though. Sometimes in the middle of the night too.

Anything making you queasy or sick: hello heartburn! I have never had heartburn before and didn’t know why my upper belly felt like it was on fire. I threw up 3 times and then SP went to the store at 3AM to get me Tums. The doc recommended Zantac and I have felt better ever since.

Have you started to show yet: I am round and happy ūüôā

Belly button in or out:  still in and a little wide

Wedding rings on or off: on, no swelling yet

Happy or moody most of the time: very happy but easy to cry over both happy and sad things.

Looking forward to: New Years Eve! I’m working on my outfit this weekend for the Mad Hatter’s Ball. I’ll be going as the White Queen. I got a flowy white empire waist gown that I’m going to trim in rhinestones and silver, a rhinestone tiara and a long white wig.

Pregnany massage – go do it Now!

At 5 months I was starting to have an aching back¬†and a shooting pain down my¬†right leg when I stood, so I knew it was time for a massage. I had a bad massage experience with my first pregnancy so¬†I was nervous about anything possibly going wrong and kept putting it off.¬† The time before, I was going to one of those massage memberships places and went in for my regular massage. I told them I was pregnant and they said they had someone who was trained to do it.¬†The massage therapist seemed very young and inexperienced.¬†I was only 6.5 weeks along, so she had me on my stomach the whole time and the heat cranked up too high on the table. I just felt like it all seemed wrong. Then when I left I got a really weird feeling like I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. I’m not placing blame on the massage, as there are a million other reasons things could have gone wrong, but the next day I had a miscarriage. So just with the timing of that, I was terrified of massage this time around.

I am a big fan of massage. I try and get one every month and have been seeing the same massage therapist for nearly 10 years. Unfortunately, she is not trained in pregnancy massage and didn’t feel comfortable continuing treatment when I became pregnant. Because of my first experience, I wasn’t taking any chances and did a ton of research to find someone certified and experienced in prenatal/pregnancy massage. The person I found was certified by the American Pregnancy Massage Association and had been a doula for 15 years. She had great reviews and an informative website.

Wow, what a difference! The table was very lightly heated and the whole thing was done on my side, propped up by pillows under my leg and belly. It was a combination of relaxation strokes and some heavy duty work on opening my hips up and alleviating that pain that had been bothering me. It was wonderful and I felt very comfortable through the whole thing, even when my leg was up near my ear as she worked a tough spot in my hip. It’s been a few days and I have not gotten the shooting pain once since the massage. I cannot wait to go back after the holidays!

23 Weeks, Maternity Tour and Fetal Echocardiogram

It’s been an exciting week as far as baby stuff goes. We made progress on the nursery, did our hospital maternity tour and had a fetal echocardiogram. The maternity tour was pretty cool, and talk about things “getting real!” I actually teared up twice during the tour when they were talking about spending time with the baby. The hospital is pretty new and everything is SO nice! The maternity suites are huge and you have the baby and stay in the same room. They also keep the baby with you as much as possible and encourage lots of skin-to-skin time.

Keelan showing off his early morning yoga moves

Keelan showing off his early morning yoga moves

Because IVF babies have a higher rate of heart defects and also my husband was born with a PFO (hole in the heart), earlier that day we went for the fetal echocardiogram.¬†It’s¬†a really long and¬†detailed ultrasound, longer than the anatomy scan! They check everything about the heart and listen to individual valves. They also check and listen to the umbilical cord and make sure all the blood is pumping the right way. We got to watch our boy for a good 45 min., which was pretty awesome. And there was so much pushing on my belly that he started to push back hard enough to make me jump a few times. The ultrasound tech said she could feel him poking back at her. He was ALL over the place. It was crazy to see him stretching his legs over his head. The kid has some long legs!¬†I had to pee so bad near the end I was trying to mentally communicate with him to stay still so she could get the measurements done. The diagnosis was all good- healthy looking heart and cord and everything measuring right on time.

How far along:  23 weeks

Weight gain: holy crap I weigh 150 lbs. – To give some perspective, I have been really tall and thin all my life. I am 5’9″ and usually weigh around 123. The fertility treatments made me pack on a few more pounds and for the past few years I hovered around 127-132. When I stepped on the scale at Publix and that needle shot over to the right and then settled right in the center I was shocked! But it’s all good and gaining weight is good for me and the baby so I don’t mind it one bit.

Maternity clothes: I love scrunchy side tops! I can’t stop from picking up a new one every time I stop by Target or any other place that has them.

Stretch marks: None yet, but I think that line down the belly is starting to show up a little.

Sleep: sleeping is great- I got a Snoogle pillow! Love that thing.

Best moment of this week: I really loved doing the hospital tour and also getting to see him again during the echocardiogram.

Miss anything: drinking in public. I have a few sips of red wine here and there at home, especially while cooking. I went on a holiday home tour that had food and drink samples in each location and I just felt too conspicuous to take any of the wine samples even though they were tiny sips.

Movement: lots of it and loving it. I’ve started playing with him if I don’t feel him move for a bit. I’m probably waking him up and pissing him off, lol. But I’ll start poking my belly and then after a minute he will poke back.

Food cravings: all the food! My appetite is in full swing.

Anything making you queasy or sick: pumpkin spice coffee creamer, which sucks because I LOVE pumpkin. I can use the regular creamer and be just fine, but if I try to go pumpkin spice, I throw up.

Have you started to show yet: so much that I’ve started resting my arms on my belly

Belly button in or out:  still in, but more of it is being exposed. My TUBA belly button scar is almost on the outside now.

Wedding rings on or off: on, but they did feel a little tight after I did the 13 house Christmas tour and walked all day. My feet hurt and my rings felt tight.

Happy or moody most of the time: happy with a dash of crazy worry. I can’t go in the baby room without getting incredibly excited and then scared and then excited.

Looking forward to: Pooping¬†without wanting to cry. I’m guessing it’s the dreaded pregnancy hemorrhoids because it feels like razorblades. And I’m not having any trouble otherwise- no constipation or anything. I ordered some baby-safe butt stuff online and hope it arrives soon because it is literally a pain in the ass to go to the bathroom.

Translation of a terrible eBay customer’s e-mail

If you use eBay long enough, you will have THAT costumer. The one that makes you want to reach through the computer and smack them. And because I can’t, this morning I’m going to translate an e-mail I got from a terrible customer, just to make myself feel better. This not what they wrote, but this is what it really means:

I’m very disappointed in the quality and communication for this order. I feel your reply was condescending when you politely explained how to check my own tracking after I e-mailed you three times to ask where my order was. I chose the slowest possible shipping method, but I am pretty sure you have an inside connection with the post office and can make them go faster at will. I am disappointed you made them go so slow.
I am also disappointed that this $65 item I got on clearance sale for $8 has a little bump in the fabric. I expected absolute perfection for $8. Here, I’ve attached 4 photos to show you it looks exactly the same as it does in your photo. I like taking pictures.
I have nothing better to do than be pain in your ass, so I’d like to file a claim and have you pay for my return shipping. Maybe “sticking it to the little business man” will give me some satisfaction in a life that is rife with disappointments. I’d write more, but I have to go to McDonalds and complain they did not put filet mignon in my dollar menu cheeseburger.

* as a side note, I really did not want to deal with them anymore at all, so I took the loss, refunded their money, told them to keep it and blocked them from ever bidding on my stuff again. I actually sent them a message that said “I’m pregnant and I don’t want the stress of dealing with this. I’m canceling the auction and sending a refund. Please do not reply, as I am I done with this.” I am a little extra sensitive right now and reading their e-mail caused an alarming increase in blood pressure, so I figure that was better than stressing out over this person who would not be happy no matter what I did.

22 Weeks, where is this anxiety coming from?

Tomorrow is officially 22 weeks! yay! But for some reason my anxiety is on overload. For the last several years I had been taking Xanax for anxiety and had to wean myself off it when we started the IVF. Ironic of course, because who couldn’t do with a massive dose of Xanax to get through that, right?

I got a little panicky when we started painting the baby room and then when we set the crib up. Like oh crap we are tempting fate by making solid plans! I keep going in there to peek at it and remind myself it’s real. Then I went to a “metaphysical” party where they had tarot cards, rune casters, palm readers and the sort. My friend talked to all of them but I didn’t want to get near them because what if they told me they saw something bad? I didn’t want to put anything in my head to obsess over. And I thought I was past my toilet paper obsession but the last couple days I’ve been weird and crampy (probably just gas) and I keep freaking myself out by checking the toilet paper and praying nothing’s there. I think anyone who’s ever had a miscarriage understands about being hypersensitive about any kind of cramps.

I am SO looking forward to my doc appointment on Monday because we will get to have another ultrasound. Seeing the little guy on screen puts my mind at ease like nothing else. We also have our hospital tour that evening, which I am both super excited and anxious about as well.

I just got to keep rubbing my belly and saying everything will be alright!