The anxiety of TTC and being Xanax-free

After reading another blogger’s post about going of her anxiety meds, it got me thinking about my experience. I have terrible anxiety and panic attacks. I was taking Xanax daily for anxiety and Inderal for the panic attacks for the last couple years. And you know what really intensifies anxiety? TTC!

Because it was so important to not be all stressed out while tcc, I had continued my Xanax throughout the process and only took it very sparingly during the 2ww. The plan was to stop if I ever got a positive. There was a TV commercial on for a few months that scared the crap out of me warning about Xanax causing deformities and a cleft soft palate so I decided to completely wean off it before we got into IVF.

Of course the irony is that the IVF process causes so much anxiety I could sure use some Xanax right about now! I do still take the Inderal if I’m going into a situation that could cause that sudden blood pressure spike and heart attack feeling. But it pretty much only stops the physical symptoms of the anxiety spike, not the mental aspect like Xanax does. They are a pretty handy combo.

I’ve been off the Xanax about 2 months now and doing pretty good. I have some trouble sleeping, but I don’t want to trade one drug in for another. Honestly, the blogging helps a lot because this stuff isn’t just floating around in my brain anymore. It’s almost like a brain purge so I can move on!


Birth Control Pills are giving me morning sickness, Oh the irony!

I’m on the cycle before the actual IVF cycle (at least that’s what I think it is considered…still a little confused) and I am on 2 BCP a day for a week and then 1 a day for however long they decide. It’s my 3rd day and I woke up with extreme nausea this morning. This is the reason I had to stop taking them in my early 20s. They made me sick every day. I felt just a little weird the first 2 days and today was all out gagging/heaving misery. Never thought there’d be a day I look forward to taking shots so I can stop taking these dreaded pills!

Cycle day 2, the ball gets rolling, just very slowly

I finally got in touch with the nurse today and now I get to start the birth control pills for the next 2 or 3 weeks. I have to take 2 a day for a week and then 1 a day. Hope this goes well! BCP usually make me feel ill so that’s why I haven’t taken them much. I thought I was just lucky I never got pregnant. Jokes on me! haha!


Cycle Day 1, time to get the IVF ball rolling

For the first time in a long time, the site of blood was not greeted with that depressing sinking feeling. It was more a feeling of hope and excitement!

I am supposed to call the nurse on cycle day 1. Of course it has to go and arrive on a Sunday when they’re closed. So I e-mailed and will call tomorrow to find out when to start the birth control pills.

They said I’d only be on BC for a couple weeks, but I’m still a little fuzzy on the details. I found a pretty good article that goes over the birth control thing:

It sounds like my doc does things a little differently though, so I’ll just have to wait to get all the details tomorrow!


The wino and the waiting game

There is a lot of waiting while TTC. The most grueling of course is the TWW (two week wait). Right now I’m stuck in some weird limbo of just waiting for cycle day 1 to start so I can get the ball rolling on the IVF stuff.

We didn’t manage to get one last good timed try in this month. Because of that, this is the first cycle in a looooong time that I am not testing like mad or concerned about having a drink during that last half of my cycle. Because I don’t need to worry about that, I kind of let loose and polished off a bottle of wine here and there. So now my husband is concerned I’m an alcoholic. Great. He actually asked if we needed to have a talk because I seem to be drinking more. Mind you, I was not getting sloppy drunk or doing anything weird like drinking at work.

But OF COURSE I’m drinking more! This is the first time in a while I haven’t had to be extra careful. It’s like I’ve been sent on spring vacation during this month where I’m just taking estrogen and waiting for AF to show. And once things get going, I do plan to have a glass here and there because I love a glass of wine while cooking dinner, but once we hit the TWW it’s dry season. And if things go well? Well then I have 9 months of teetotaling ahead.

So as far as I’m concerned, I get all the wine I want until we get started on the IVF drugs and he can go put a cork in it.


What you might not know about joining fertility websites

When I was pregnant for the short-lived time, I went crazy signing up for every free baby thing out there- magazines, samples, websites, etc. So for the next several years, and still sometimes now, baby related paraphernalia shows up in my mailbox. It rubs a pretty sore spot to continue getting diapers and formula samples and various parenting magazines after a miscarriage and subsequent years of battling infertility. Every time something shows up I just want to scream and shove it in the trash as fast as possible.

Of course these companies have no idea what happened, and I can’t blame them. The only company I hold a grudge against is the pregnancy website I was so excited to be part of. Unfortunately it’s been so long I can’t even remember what site it was! One of the big ones is all I recall. There was a special area you could access if you were pregnant. Every day it would tell you what your baby looked like and there were forums and you could have buddies. I had several forum buddies that I was messaging with that were around my same due date.

Then the miscarriage happened and I sadly plugged that info into my profile and….blip. All that went away too. Suddenly the website told me I could not access that portion because it was only for pregnant women. Talk about a slap in the face! So to my fledgling online buddies I just disappeared. I wish I could remember the site so I could avoid it if I ever get another chance to plug in pregnancy info.

The website I’m part of now is I’ve kept a chart there for several years and go on the forums sometimes when I’m obsessing, just to have company. I’d be interested to know what fertility websites other people enjoy using.

'Houdini's mother had an odd and difficult pregnancy.' 'Oh no. He's gone again!'